You Didn't Have to Say It, Dad
(or "Ash and Her Dad")
By Kalen Marquis
Ashley’s papa was a strangely silent man.
Ashley lived all alone with her papa from the time she was knee-high-to-a-grasshopper and although she may have been shy to admit it, she loved him more than life itself.
Ashley’s papa, with his strange, silent ways, was not like the other papas. He could not be. Besides, all Ashley needed from the time when she was very young, was to see his softly glowing, gently knowing smile—a smile that wasn’t strange and a smile that was never silent.
Although few words passed over his dry, cotton candy lips, it was the joy-filled dents in his apple-blossom cheeks, his wrinkled chin, and his radiant star-lit eyes that called out to her, reassured her, told her everything would be okay. To Ashley, her papa’s smile spoke sometimes seriously, sometimes mysteriously—but it always spoke.
No matter how much time might pass or what would happen, there was nothing quite as light or loving as her papa’s softly glowing, gently knowing smile. It was amazing how those upturned lips laughed and joked and how they taught, cheered, corrected and cajoled. And they comforted. They comforted like nothing else in the world.
Sometimes—those times she would never forget—it would even sing in soft rhythms, gently cooing the words to a love song she alone could hear.
For Ashley, that smile had always been there. It was there when she was teeny-tiny, just a pudgy baby asleep in daddy’s arms, when was turning three, a time before words could explain why mom “flew away with the angels,” and when she started school, just five years old and scared—yet eager—to read and write and draw and paint and play!
It was there when she fell from a tree, just twelve years old (going on twenty!) and already so grown up. When she graduated from high school, just eighteen years old, desperate to take on the world and make it her own. And later, when she had grown into a woman, strong and smart like her mother, and yet curiously quiet like her dad. And now, when Ashley went to see her father in hospital on that warm, spring night that he died.
It was then that she held his soft, wrinkled hand and basked in the brilliance of that same softly glowing, gently knowing smile.
Although nothing could ever cut as deep or mean as much as the gentle stillness that had united them—the strange, glowing silence that had traversed the generations—this is what passed between them. This is what I, the eavesdropper, overheard.
Leaning forward, craning at the neck until she was so close that he could feel her long, golden hair resting on his chest, Ashley’s papa spoke these words:
Now listen close, Ash.
Get yourself near.
I have a few words
I want you to hear.
It seems now is the time
To let you know that I care
I have a lifetime of words
I’ve been meaning to share.
But where to begin?
I’ve waited so long,
For just the right moment
To come along.
Now is that moment.
I’ll start right here.
Just one word at a time
I’ve nothing to fear.
So here I go,
Turning thoughts into words.
Just letting them go
They need to be heard.
The years have moved on
Now my glasses are thick
Your papa’s an old man
So frail and sick
My back is rounded
My joints knotted and sore
My muscles are weak
Not here for much more.
My hands are feeble
Sallow, sickly, white
But you’re holding them, Ash
You’re holding on tight
My moments are numbered
I’ll be going away
But I’ll always be with you
I’ll be smiling this way.
So here I go, Ash
This is as good as it gets.
Listen carefully my girl
I’m doing my best
This is my advice
This is all that there is
All that I’ve learned
All that I’ve lived
“Now” isn’t “perfect”
It may never be
But accept it and love it
It’s as it should be.
Don’t hope just for “good”
And don’t fear the “bad”
Just be in this moment
Treasure all that you have
Prepare for tomorrow
And learn from yesterday
This moment is all we have
So don’t forget to play!
Please don’t try TOO hard
Don't forget WHO you are
Allow things to unfold
Believe in your star!
Don’t worry, don’t race
Don’t struggle and strive
Breathe out, relax. . .
Be happy you’re alive!
Be gentle and effortless
Try to be kind
This moment’s a jewel--
The most precious you’ll find.
There’s so much goodness
In your heart and mind.
It’s your own buried treasure
The richest you’ll find
Do not wish it away
Don’t keep yearning for more
Your life will seem dull
Nothing more than a chore
The moment will come
When you finally believe
It will all become clear
What you’re meant to achieve
Some say when God closes a door
He opens a window
There is always fresh air--
Just let the wind blow
So be patient and waait
Listen really deep.
Smile precious smiles
As you drift off to sleep.
If you think you’re forgotten
And life’s passed you by
Faithfully wait and awaken
Until you start feeling spry!
You’ll go right to your work
You’ll know what to do
It won’t take any effort—
Just more play for you!
The waiting will have stopped
And so will the rest.
But if doubt comes again—
Just know it's a test!
Will you stop and listen?
Will you yield and rest?
Will you flit about thinking
Your way is the best?
We get bull-headed and pushy
We cut against the grain
And sometimes life’s saw
Springs back on us again!
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”
My dad used to say.
“Just leave it alone.”
“It was meant to be that way.”
Life is a domino train
Built one piece at a time.
Every piece is important.
A crucial link in the line.
Life is like snakes and ladders.
You climb up and slide down.
Once you realize it’s a game
There is no need to frown.
Don’t meddle or fuss
Don’t make your life hard
Don’t overthink it—
Just be who you are!
Be in the moment.
Don’t worry it away.
Now is all you have
So, live for today!
Don’t try to take over
Though it’s your life it’s true
Just share the gifts
That were given to you!
Go ahead! I dare you!
Believe in your star!
You won’t be forgotten
The future’s not far
Be curious and open
And watch for that star
It will shine through the clouds
It knows just where you are!
The present’s a gift
Wrapped in foil with a bow
If you're smart, you’ll unwrap it
You’ll give it a go!
Inside’s a toy!
No assembly required
There will be some directions
Just don’t make them too hard.
Just like a kid
Whose imagination runs away
Just play with that gift. . .
The toy called Today!
Do your work with happiness
And play with great joy!
When it all seems like too much
Dust off your wee toy!
You’ll always get tired
If you swim upstream
So have faith and trust
Believe in your dreams
Don’t dally with hope
Free yourself from fear
Relax! Take a load off!
There’s a reason you’re here!
You can’t have tomorrow
You can only have today
Yesterday’s long gone
It has faded away
Life is a puzzle
Built one piece at a time
Just live each moment fully
And I know you’ll be fine
If you hope only for sunshine
And fear the next rainy day
This moment has been lost
You’ve tossed it away
Dreams are fine and good
They may eventually come true
But don’t sell this moment
This life…
It’s happening for YOU!
If you cannot decide--
You don’t know what to do--
Just let go and love. . .
Time will help make it for you.
I know what you’re thinking
It’s all so easy to say
I have all that I wanted
But it wasn’t always this way
I did have all I wanted
But I didn’t SEE it that way
I got caught up with wanting—
Needing it all my own way
I spent many years hoping
And dreaming great dreams
I spent many years wondering…
What does this mean?
It all served a purpose
I did the best that I could
But I was riddled with tension
My life a big “should”
It took many years
Until I was ready to snap.
When I finally let go…
Good fortune fell in my lap!
I still like to question
But I’ve learned not to doubt
I set aside hopes and fears
They’re not what life’s about
I started to trust
To just love who and where I am
I said with Popeye’s laugh
“I yam who I yam”
I’ve let others find fault
They’re so smart and they know
They can pick on me
And leave the others alone
I have let them hurt me
Without fighting back
Violence is violence
Enough. Of. That.
For all that hatred
And all that fear
Rebounds on the sender
That much is clear.
Some call me a sucker
Others call me a sap
But love is the draft
That’s always on tap
That’s it. I digress.
I’m getting carried away
That’s just what happens
When you live for today.
You have extra energy
And a big, smiling face
You know how to laugh
And do so with grace.
Everything gets simpler
The heavy load falls away
Prayers are answered
And you didn't need to pray.
Anger and exhaustion are cues.
It’s time to switch gears
To relish the moment
And let go of fears.
I’ve lived my life well
I’ve lived and I’ve learned
To relish each moment
Not one would I spurn
I have no more hopes
My life’s taken care of itself
I delegated the “work”
To Santa’s wee elves
They are happy and spirited
They always love to give
Like holly-jolly Santa
On and on they will live
Death is as natural as life
The two go together
They cannot be separate
One defines the other
My body’s an instrument
A vessel I called my own
Soon it will be vacant
It came only on loan
And just like my body
My life's no more than a loan
Precious time spent with you
Before heading on home.
Go ahead and pause
Take a rest when I’m gone
But please don’t mourn
Sing your happiest song.
The world will not stop
It moves quickly through space
It will always hurtle on
So don’t lose your place.
Life just keeps going
It won’t lose its pace.
So don’t try to stop
The great human race.
Life can be random
And hectic and wild
But it’s chock-full of meaning
Don’t forget that my child.
Hold onto the stillness
Let life whirl around you.
Trust in the silence
The gentle breath inside you
Reach out to others.
Don’t go it alone.
You can’t do it all
Although you’re all grown.
Live by your values
And listen to your heart
They've been there to guide you
From the very start
Don’t look out or up
Just look way, way in.
Trust your deep inner voice
The only place to begin.
Just like my little girl
When she first learned to walk
Acknowledge each hurt
And then dust yourself off.
Go ahead and cry.
You must now and then.
And then when you’re ready
Take off once again.
Your path is waiting
Its waiting only for you.
One step at a time
It’s all up to you.
That’s all for now.
That’s all I can say.
I’ve talked so much
Now I’m fading away
Don’t worry dear Ash
I'll never really be gone
I’ll always be with you
And you’ll never go wrong.
I guess that is it.
That’s all I can say.
I’ll always love you
Though my smile fades away
The smile on my lips
Was given life by my spirit
It tried to speak volumes
I just hoped you could hear it
Of all that I’ve said
Remember just this—
Hold it deep in your heart
And you’ll never miss—
Above all, remember,
It comes down to just this.
Never, ever forget
It’s as simple as this:
JUST BE WHO YOU ARE
AND DO WHAT YOU DO
THEN ALL OF LIFE’S TREASURES
WILL COME TO YOU!
IN FACT, THEY’RE INSIDE YOU!
* * *
And with that he was gone
He had passed away.
Yet his smile was still with her
It would not go away.
But that wasn’t all.
It was her turn to respond.
Ash spoke these words
To her papa so fond:
Now listen close, Papa.
I know you’re still here.
I’ve got a few words
I want YOU to hear.
I love you dear Papa
And thank you again.
But you didn’t have to say it
My papa, my friend.
You weren’t a man of words
You didn’t need to be.
Yet you saved them all up
To pass on to me.
You didn’t need words
You were so full of love
And yet these words. . .
They fit like a glove.
We spoke the same language
Just a papa and his girl
Yet you still had to say it
You gave it a whirl
Thank you so much for sharing
Squeezing your love into words
Your helped me to soar
Taking flight with the birds
Your expressions were funny
And often so quaint
You gave breath to your feelings
Though tired and faint
You told me you loved me
And I love you, too.
You ran every last base
Between me and you!
I didn’t expect it
I love you just as you are
You led by example
And believed in your star
But now you are gone
Our time’s at an end
But I will always, always love you
My papa, my friend
Now all is quiet
Except for your mile
Your greatest gift as a father
To his ever-loving child.
What can I give you?
What can I say?
I will treasure your teaching
A smile that won’t fade away
I’ll just BE who I am
And DO what I do.
This life, this smile
They're gifts from you.
You’re gone dear Papa
You’ve faded away
Your smile’s deep within me
It wont’ go away
Just watch me dear Papa
Like you used to.
When I first rode my bike
And circled back to you
Just watch me dear Papa
From wherever you are
I’ll listen for your voice
I’ll watch for your star.
When I’m scared or lonely
Wondering what to do
I’ll smile your smile
It connects me to you.
All those years that went by
When you seldom said a word
Your smile was so silent
Yet its message was heard
Your dimples did speak
Your wrinkled chin would quiver and call
Your sparkling eyes would wink
But your smiling lips said it all.
Your smile is like a star that guides
One so very softly glowing
Your smile is like a long-lost friend
So very gently knowing
I’ll see you in the apple blossoms
So clean and pure and bright
I’ll see you every star-lit evening
Laughing, loving, twinkling—
Lighting up the night!
With you looking down
There is no more to say.
My life will move on
Though I leave you here today.
And you know dear Papa,
There is just one more thing:
I’LL BE WHO I AM
I'LL DO WHAT I DO
I’LL LIVE MY LIFE, THIS TREASURE
THAT’S MY PROMISE TO YOU
* * *
And with that she was gone
She turned bravely away
It was time to move on
In her now grown-up way.
And it’s funny, although many years passed before I saw her again,
Her dimples. . . they did speak
Her wrinkled chin would quiver and call.
Her sparkling eyes they did wink
But her smiling lips.. .
Said. It. All.
© 1999 Kalen Marquis
